You Set It On FIRE? (Thorn and Cedar Promote Overpowered)

Promoting a new book is a lot of work... all those interviews and so on take up an awful lot of your time.  But after reading the Silmaril Award presentations from this year (here and elsewhere: http://jenelleschmidt.com/least-competent-henchman-award/?fbclid=IwAR3jvdWWrF60p0NzKH33Z_I_l6TnrIovYUyAMAcH4RBeuheAGmJc5Fy5GrQ)
I had a bright idea: send my characters to do the interviews in my stead.

In hindsight, this may not have been the best idea.

***

Host: Thanks for joining us today for an all-new episode of the Fairy Tale Show!  Kathryn McConaughy was supposed to be here to talk about her new book, Overpowered, but since she is busy writing her dissertation she sent some of her story’s characters in her place.

The host sits behind a heavy desk at the center of a curved stage.  Several armchairs are arranged across from him, at right angles so that the studio audience can see the faces of anyone who sits there.  Behind him a curtain hides the backstage area.

Two men come out from behind the curtain.  One eases out slowly, shooting a suspicious glare at the talk show host, then leveling a scowl at the audience.  He is of average height, in his mid thirties, with terrible scarring on his face and arms.  The second man nearly hits his head on a boom mike; he is very tall, with a long beard braided in an intricate pattern and thrown over his shoulder like a scarf.  He shambles out in the short man’s wake, a grin barely visible behind his massive beard.  Neither of them are very clean.

Host: Joining us today we have two of McConaughy’s favorite “dwarves”!  Though I’m not sure that description really fits both of you.

The giant chuckles.  The scarred man looks disgusted.

Host: Please welcome… Thorn and Cedar!

The giant, Cedar, waves at the audience, then comes forward to sit in an armchair in front of the host’s desk.  As he puts his weight on it, it makes an alarming noise and he stands up again quickly. Thorn, the scarred man, doesn’t even look at the chairs.  Instead, he moves sideways until the host and his desk are between him and the audience.  The host glances over his shoulder nervously.

Host: So tell me, gentlemen—how did you get these names?  Surely your mothers didn’t name you after plants!

Cedar plops down on the floor and leans back against an armchair.

Cedar: No, thus.  My mother never dreamed o’ such a thing.  It’s a funny story how it came about.  Y’ see, I’ve been a mercenary soldier for many a year.  Most outlaws come an’ go—go down to the underworld, i’ truth, soldierin’ not bein’ a job for uncareful men—but some survive, and y’ fight them again an’ again, because good mercenaries always get hired.  Now there was this one lad, his name’s called Cypress, an’ I had fought with him a time or two, both on the same side an’ not.  An’ when I ran afoul o’ some dead dogs from Hatsor—a perilous crew of Aramaim, so they were—I recalled tha’ he had a grudge against them, and so might like t’ throw in on the opposite side—on my side, that is.  So—

Thorn: What are you doing, you fool?

The host jumps in his chair.  He had forgotten that the scarred man was behind him.

Cedar: Tellin’ the story.

Thorn: To all these?  (He makes an accusing gesture at the audience.)

Cedar:  What’s that to me and t’ you?  What d’you think we’re here for?

Thorn: You spill secrets like a drunkard.

Host: O-kay.  Everyone take it easy.  There’s no need to get upset—you don’t have to answer any questions you don’t feel comfortable with.

Cedar: There’s no—

Thorn: Why don’t you ask me something.  (He stares challengingly at the host.)

The host clears his throat.

Host: Thorn, why don’t you tell us what it is you do in the mercenary band?

Thorn says nothing.

Host: Um, okay.  What do you think of Taliyah, the main character of Overpowered?  What’s she like in real life?

Thorn (gruffly): Who?

Host: She was a member of your mercenary band for over a year?  She fought beside you at Qir Qatina?  She fell off a cliff?  You do know who I’m talking about, right?

Thorn: No.

Cedar: Y’ mean Snow.  She’s a fine lass.  Brave.  A good cook too.

Thorn growls.

Host: So Thorn, when did you realize that she was a girl?  Her disguise seemed to fool some of your colleagues.  What tipped you off?

Thorn: I don’t know what you’re talking about, little man.  (He leans menacingly over the host.)

Cedar tugs at his beard in an exasperated manner.

Cedar: Everyone knows she’s a girl now, man.  It’s written in t’ scroll, or so Yotam tells me, him bein’ smoother with the readin’ than I am.

Thorn: Is it.  Where is this scroll?

The host nervously picks up a book from the desk in front of him.  It has a blue-and-purple cover with the image of a burning tree on the front.

Host: I’ve got a copy right here…

Thorn snatches it out of his hand, then pulls out a dagger.  He levels it at the host’s wide eyes.

Thorn: You’ve read this?

Host: Y-yes.

Thorn grabs the host by the shoulder.

Thorn: Who else?  Tell me!  WHO ELSE HERE HAS READ IT?

Host: N-no one!  It’s not out until October twenty-ninth!

Thorn: Then I only have to kill YOU.  No one’s coming after Snow again!

Host: I’m not coming after her!  We don’t want to come after her!  Please don’t—

Cedar: Ayeh.

The giant stands up and looks around, then pushes a stage light over.  It falls with a crash.  Then the carpet catches on fire.  Thorn looks over, distracted.

Cedar: This worm’ll never figger out where the lass is livin’ now.  Thunderer’s spear, I’d wager he’s never even seen the Yeshurni hills.  Take the scroll, Thorn; there’s no need t’ kill the man.

Thorn growls, then vaults over the desk to thrust the book into the fire.  He watches fiercely as it burns.

Thorn: I’m done here.  (He vanishes back behind the curtain.)

Cedar: Eh. Thorn.  (He eyes the fire calmly, then picks up the heavy desk, turns it over, and drops it on the fire, smothering most of it.)  He’s been tetchy since Qir Qatina.  Seein’ visions doesn’t agree wi’ him.

Host: He’s crazy!  I’m… I’m calling security.

Cedar: Do as yer heart pleases.  They’ll ne’er catch him.  No one e’er catches Thorn.  Sorry about yer scroll; but it’s best it’s burned.  Thorn doesn’t understand about the prin-ting-press.  He won’t know that y’ can make more o’ the things.  Y’ can get a new one.

Host:  A new… Are you nuts?  You think I ever want to read that book again?  Do you think ANYONE will want to read it?

Cedar: Why not?

Host: There’s a serial killer running around who’s threatening to kill anyone who reads it!

Cedar: Eh, you’re over-reactin’.  He would no’ really have killed you.  He’s tryin’ not t’ do that any more.

Host: Really?

Cedar: Maybe.  Anyhow, he’ll be too busy lookin’ for Fig and tryin’ to keep Thistle from dyin’ to give you lot any trouble.

Host: What are you talking about?

Cedar: Sequels, man, sequels…  I’m off.  (The giant calmly walked through the scattered fires on the carpet and pushed through the curtain.)

The host stared at the wreck of his stage.  

Host: F-fire?  Fire!

Voice from off-camera:  What should we do?

Host: Go to commercial!

The screen goes black, then begins to show sepia-tinged images—slow motion action shots from the battle of Qir Qatina.  We see Thorn leading a tiny group of slingers against an army, then Cedar and other members of his band fighting in front of a village.  An overly dramatic music track begins to play.  Then a confident voice speaks.

“I am Cypress, and I have the perfect mercenary band for all your needs.  Whether you need a large force to defend your home, or a small, mobile force to raid your rival’s sheep, I have experienced professionals in my employ who can get the job done.  Payment in silver or other materials to be agreed upon by both parties.  Contact me by messenger in the hills west of Taanat-shiloach, in Eprayim of Yeshurun.  Messenger should approach unarmed.  The Band of Cypress accepts no liability for the death or injury of any messengers who approach while carrying weapons.”

The screen goes black again.  “Now back to the Fairy Tale Show, your source for news on all things fairy tale! … Um.  Due to technical difficulties, we are unable to resume the show at this time.  Please enjoy your evening, and remember to add Overpowered to your to-read shelf on Goodreads!  Electronic editions will be available from Kindle and Smashwords on October twenty-ninth!  Buying these editions should be totally safe, since if the outlaw Thorn doesn’t know about the printing press he certainly doesn’t know about digital files.  However, paperback copies will also be available on Amazon for those brave souls undeterred by paranoid mercenaries!  And now, good night…”